Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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