if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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