I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Duck Duck Cougar?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
