All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
