Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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