I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
