Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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