So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Houston, we have a blender
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
