We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
