Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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