Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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