she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
