Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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