____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
