you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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