This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
