I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
