He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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