Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
