it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
