sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
