im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
love makes seman taste better
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
