I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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