Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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