The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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