he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
