Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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