Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
