remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
