Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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