just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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