Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
