is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Still dying that you shit outside
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
