There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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