I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
