if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
