So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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