One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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