Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My penis needs a shock collar
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize