Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
