My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
