sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
