If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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