zippers are such a cool invention
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
