i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he thought i was a dude.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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