I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
