I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
