I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
