To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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