Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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