i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
