shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
