i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
