$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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