Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
