she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
