she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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