I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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