Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's like a pop up book from hell.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
