I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
