Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
