He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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